Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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