If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
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It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
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I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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