Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
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