oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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