i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
