Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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