Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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