its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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