I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
