you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Randomize
