My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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