I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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