just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Randomize
