can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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