Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Randomize
