I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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