What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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