Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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