soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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