what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
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I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
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I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
If I had your ass I would rule the world
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
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