Can i not drive my cunt home
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
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