just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
