woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
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