I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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