You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
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