I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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