Dude i just saw JT leaving the hospital. He drove there to get fluids because he was too drunk, so they hooked him up to an IV so he didn't get alcohol poisoning. Did I mention he drove there? Oh yea and our roommates in the hospital with alcohol poisoning, she just puked up coal. So many ppl are here, it's like a hospital party, I love spring quarter!
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Randomize
