Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Randomize
