That's when you crack a 10am beer
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
