I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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