She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
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