Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
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