I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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