I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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