Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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