I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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