Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
Randomize
