remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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