If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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