I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
He felt like a one man threesome
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
