I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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