life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
dude your alot more fun to hang out around now that your addicted to coke...but seriously you need to stop
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
