Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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