someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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