when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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