he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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