cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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