They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Randomize
