I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
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