We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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