my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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