Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
