Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
