just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
wtf someone played my fucking brickbreaker games and lost i had ten fucking lives. ughhh
maybe you did when you were drunk
no way, i wasn't THAT drunk.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Randomize
